Connections

I hadn’t used my opportunities to reach out and connect to people to make friends since college. Coming out a lesbian in suburban New England contributed to that. I limited friends because I wanted to limit their questions about my personal life. Do you have a boyfriend? Are you married?  Do you have children? I also limited topics of discussion or I didn't bring up any topics at all. I became a good listener. Some subjects slide into the personal realm I felt I couldn't share. It's an art form I know many LGBT people have learned.

My first long term relationship was unhealthy for many reasons, but mostly because my partner was abnormally dependent on me. Extraneous friendships from wherever I worked, could not extend beyond 5:00. She would be so hurt if I needed anyone beyond her. As if I was telling her she wasn’t good enough to be everything to me, as she constantly told me I was for her. So I developed a pattern of behavior to protect her and to protect anyone attempting to befriend me. If ever I let your friendship fade away, this was my reasoning. Unfortunately this also included members of my family.

When that relationship ended after 23 years, I made a fresh start. I recognized I didn’t have those “old friend” type connections. I had only my new relationship and I did not want her to have the burden of being my everything. So I began with my family. The ones who stood back and let me be distant, let me "do my own thing" and eventually stopped inviting me. I reconnected with them immediately and that’s been truly nurturing. I’m especially grateful to have been back in my mother’s life when she was diagnosed with lung cancer, attempted a recovery, but eventually passed away.

Recently I have found myself sliding back into those old patterns of “no, I can’t; I’ve got to do this,” or “it’s too expensive, I can’t go there (which was never the real reason I couldn’t go),” or “this person is getting too personal.” I recognize my behavior and realize these are people trying to form connections with me, connections I need.

It’s time to say yes.