Stir and Repeat

I have realized that writing for this blog is a little like writing in my journal. It’s only “a little” like my journal because I’m certainly not writing everything in a post I’d write in my journal. I don’t edit a journal entry (much).

Another thing not so similar is that I usually don’t read back over my journal entries unless it’s a year or more later. What I’m seeing and learning about myself in reading back over blog posts (before I write a new one) is that like everyone else, I deal with the same issues over and over again. On a blog, they are topics that I do not want to keep repeating unless I have a fresh new take on the old issue.

Therefore…I’ve decided that, like my journal which I do not write in everyday, I am not going to post daily.

Yay!

Whew!

I get myself into some crazy self imposed promises, but luckily it is only me this time who really cares if I break this one.

From this point forward I will post when I feel I have something new to say.

Thanks for reading!

Yes and Hey That's Enough Now

So when I told myself to say yes more often, I didn’t actually mean yes to ice cream every night after dinner, or yes to those incredibly delicious gourmet chocolate chip cookies from the Hannaford (our local supermarket chain) bakery. Nor did I mean yes to Cheese Doodles or Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Mesquite BBQ chips (I don’t care that they have 40% reduced fat) or Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies or Butter Snap Pretzels.

But somehow (oh, I know how) they made it through the gates of No and I’ve got the tight pants and shirts to prove it. I don’t have a scale because I gave them up a while ago along with a few other things, so I’m not going to stress over numbers.

However…

It’s time for the NO gates to come together just a little bit. Denial doesn’t mean for ever, it just means, “hey, that’s enough for now!”

I’ve got to leave room to lose so I can have available “space” to fill come the winter holidays!

No more!  Just as soon as I finish the Cheddar Bunnies and Pretzels…

Too Sleepy for Yes

It's 8:00 at night and it is still light out. This does not feel natural to me. The night time is a time of pulling in, of winding down, of being still and resting. To have it light implies I should be doing something other than that.

I should be out consuming, spending money and getting into debt like a good citizen.

It’s after 8:00 PM and birds are chirping outside!

I had an opportunity to say yes, but I chose no.

A Maine author was scheduled to speak at our local city library Thursday night at 6:30. She is Pulitzer Prize winning author Elizabeth Strout, creator of said prize winning novel, "Olive Kitteridge," which is set in Maine.

I was too tired. I was anxious to get home after a full week of work for the first time in three weeks (sick days led to long weekends). I gave it some thought, but I could not find the motivation to say yes.

Argh. I'm disappointed in myself but I'm glad I went home. We had a rough night Wednesday because Buzz was sick and whining through the night. I got up a couple of times, DP got up a couple of times. The cats were wondering what was going on and wanted to eat breakfast at 2:30 in the morning, and wouldn't let it go… So I was too tired to say yes.

Instead, I said YES to going to bed early!

There you have it.

There is always a yes in life.

Small Milestone

Yesterday this blog reached the 1,000 visitor mark!

A special “thank you” to those of you who return regularly and make up a significant portion of that count! I’ve taken the steps to make sure I’m not counted.

I seem to be averaging about 25 visits a day but I have 12 Followers. Hmm? Any of you wish to click the follow button? It’s easy!

So what is my progress on my Yes goals?

It’s hard to measure that based on the last week because of my “under the weather” status. I’m finally coming out from under that. I did take a sick day from work and did not go to church or choir practice on Sunday.  

Since my focus has mostly been on Easter, Snafu and then being sick. I have not created a lot of openings for opportunities to say yes. I have a pending invitation to visit my brother in Florida…(G - Anytime you want to send me possible dates, we’ll talk more). Otherwise, I’ve been told I’m “on the roster now for being a regular cantor” at church. I guess I’m okay with that.

I have seen and heard little dogs, but they have not crossed into our yard. By the way, this incident I consider a “Say yes to saying Nooooooo!” moment and so include it here.

 I’m thinking about starting a new business called “Screaming Banshee.”  Just hire me for a modest fee to run up the driveway and scream at the object of your frustration (neighbors, ex-lovers, mothers). I can come in various outfits, raincoat included, but the rake is optional.

Eat Peeps and Blog

DP had dressed the dogs in their walking bells and harnesses and headed for the door. "Would you like to come for a walk with us?" she asked me so hopefully. "No thanks," I said quickly. "No thanks," she repeated. "I'd rather eat peeps and blog." I laughed with a mouthful of marshmallow and yellow sugar crusted lips.

It's so true.

I am not a person who craves physical activity - not like DP. She walks at least twice a day with the dogs, and is usually looking for additional physical outlets, like running, riding a bike.

Not me.

I'm going to blame my parents. They were not athletic in any fashion. They did not encourage my brothers and me to join sports. Band, yes, because my father was a musician (and my mother an artist), but not softball, basketball, hockey or track. We were all in band though, me with the flute for six years, my older brother E with the trombone, but for only one year, and my eldest brother G with the clarinet right through graduation.

I always thought band was exclusive to sports - jocks are not band geeks, but like many other things she changed my mind about, DP dispelled that notion since she was in track AND band. If fact she won things in track and placed number one in the state of New Hampshire for clarinet (I think that's right, anyway).

Humph! Of course, her father was a runner and a musician so I still blame my parents.

I'd like to say I'm going to change and say yes to becoming more physically active! But I've already tried that in life and I've got to say, I'm not so enamored with it. My feeling at this point is given the time I have to spend available I'd rather be writing or reading.

Okay, maybe cooking and eating too.

Happy Implant

Piece of cake!

I had a big mouth boo-boo all day yesterday but now it's feeling better. The first stage of the implant procedure, which Dr B called the hardest, was a lot more tolerable than a root canal. Have I mentioned I've had six root canals one of which I've given up for this implant? Actually, it gave up on me by falling out. I hate it when teeth fall out. It used to happen in only dreams…then I actually experienced a hard piece of something in my mouth I had to spit out into my hands! Lo and behold a $1,200 crown sitting uselessly in my palm. It could not be replaced other than with an implant. It took me several years to get up the nerve (and the money)!

I think most people agree dental work is not fun. If there was a hell, having dental work should be right up there on the torture forever list. Sorry Dr B. You're a nice guy and your staff is a great bundle of energy swirling me around from office, to dental chair, to X-ray and back to office and out the door. In less than an hour I was done and walking around in Walmart (don't tell my boss). I took the whole day as a sick day so I could suffer with dignity - alone!

After Walmart I came home and wrote a blog post for someone else's blog. Important heavy stuff about my "life before." It was an honor to be asked and I said yes to being a guest blogger. 

In cat news, we were told by the new vet to give Snafu the herbal tincture on a daily basis. Last night was our first regular dose and the first time he actually laid down beside me and fell asleep! This morning he is his regular chirpful self. Onward we go!

All is good today!

Funk Breaker

There’s nothing like finding a pool of water under my sink to bring me right out of a funk!

I noticed my faucet was a little loose and I couldn’t put the nozzle/faucet back into its housing securely. When I pulled it out I saw water dripping out from the washers and sliding down the hose, back through the housing and into the cabinet below.

Luckily the washer tightened right up and stopped the leak immediately which helped me to feel very grateful my visions of plummer’s crack nightmare were not going to come true.

Unluckily, a rather deep pool of water had collected in the cabinet under the sink. Everything had a delightful coating of “dew” and it had to be completely cleared out. We store the usual cleaning products and bug repellents under there. A bungee cord secures away any four footed friends. We only lost a few cardboard items but nothing huge. It was good to clean it out and get rid of a few things.

I truly do feel grateful I caught it within days. I know it wasn’t sputtering water last weekend because I was under that sink quite a bit and nothing was awry.

On another note: Today, dear friends, I’m getting my first tooth implant! I said YES to a tooth implant.

My family was cursed with pretty bad teeth. Actually they line up straight enough, and look rather pretty, but my brothers and I were prone to lots of cavities. And in the bad teeth world, cavities progress to root canals and root canals to bridges, bridges to dentures or IMPLANTS! What ain’t silver in my mouth is fake. I think I have at least 5 root canals (and another is now just an open fleshy slot waiting for an implant). Still, we Kolosey’s have a pretty decent smile, and I’m going to have mine for long, long time!

I’m not looking forward to the pain, well not the procedure either, but that will be done and over within an hour or so. The pain can “last up to 72 hours”…then there is waiting for it to heal, which takes months. Yeah, this is how my mind is working as I anticipate the procedure. I’ve got to just live in the moment, live in the moment. Stop thinking about a big drill aiming for my jaw…live in the moment.

Card Carrying Member

For a good 20 years or so now I’ve been a devotee of public radio and NPR, listening to NHPR in New Hampshire and then MPBN in Maine. At one time, the first three preset buttons on my car radio were all three public radio stations when I included WGBH Boston’s public radio in the line up. That was when I lived in Southern Maine but commuted an hour and a half to work in Lexington, Mass. And never once during these 20 plus years did I ever make a pledge or contribution to public radio. I’d make myself listen through the pledge drives (mostly) and always thought I just didn’t have enough money.

That ended today.

Today I said yes.

Today, I became a member of Maine Public Broadcasting Network (MPBN) during the final day of their spring pledge drive. Not just a member, but an “Evergreen Friend” which is what you are called when you commit to a monthly donation…which doesn’t hurt the old pocket book as much  - paying a little along.

This is huge for me because…I’ve not been a monetarily charitable person in my past. I may do a post on that topic sometime but, for now, know that I’m changing.

I reasoned it out this way – I pay a monthly subscription fee for Netflix – we’re at the $10ish level because we don’t spend a lot of time watching TV. I spend WAY more time listening to NPR. I’m a bit of a news junky and NPR is a main source of news when I can’t be on my computer. I also pay a monthly fee for internet access. So it made a lot of sense for me to “subscribe” to my local public radio station.

I’m jazzed about it! 

YES!

Progress on Yes

In the year of saying yes, I have signed onto my first Gay Pride Parade. I've always wanted to march in one and I intend to join with a women's group called Seacoast Sapphos from Southern Maine to march on June 18th in Portland. DP will be working so this will be a lone venture which makes it all the more scary.

A more recent yes I said today will be my first venture at being the Canter on Easter Sunday at our church. This is really scary, but I said yes because in truth, a fellow choir member will be cantering with me…or I'll be cantering with her actually. The St Matthews Episcopal Church Choir was one of the best yeses I made two years ago when I was more in the yes mode. This will be my first time cantering.

I very much enjoy singing sacred music and being a part of a choir. It's such a magical experience to participate in singing pieces that were written two, three sometimes over four hundred years ago. And they were written to be sung in the same manner we are singing them today. After each piece we sing, I say a silent little yes to myself.

I also said yes recently to taking a road trip up to a place known by native Mainers as "The County," which is Aroostook County to the rest of the world. This is a business trip for work this week. My boss and I leave Tuesday morning and will drive the four hours north on Interstate 95 to visit clients and prospective clients in two days. There'll be meetings, dressing up in suits, smiles, lots of handshakes and dinner with an overnight stay in Presque Isle. I'm going to try and post something for Wednesday morning "live from The County" but we'll see how exhausted I am and how coherent it'll be.

Saying yes takes a constant reminder to not say no. It’s surrendering those little fears I’ve carried with me for 49 years.

Dead Birds

A gray and white junco slammed into our sliding glass door. Pop, was the sound that brought four cats, a German shepherd and a human rushing to look out the window. Robins chirped loudly through the 30 seconds we stared silently out at it, laying in the mud beyond our deck steps. No movement. It died instantly. A fluff of dark gray feathers stuck to the glass at about chin level, marking the spot where it met the end.

Okay, so this is the second dead bird in two weeks and both happened on the same day of the week. My former pagan self would have sought all kinds of meaning in this. One bird a seagull, water, ocean, a scavenger. The other a junco, ground feeding, white belly, ummm…I don't know much about juncos.

Nope, I got nothing.

No foreboding dread or intuitive realization I shouldn't do something, just two endings one instant, the other long.

And yet...

The suffering seagull gave me the gift of an opportunity - the opportunity to take a risk.

The junco? Sorry guy, I still got nothing.

Rescue Me

Saying yes equals leaving your comfort zone, taking risks and getting involved.

Monday I spotted a seagull standing in the still-matted-from-winter grass field behind our building at work. A flock of gulls is not as unusual as you might think in Augusta, Maine, but this particular gull was alone and as I continued to glance out the window at it every 15 minutes or so, I noticed it wasn't moving much, though its head was held high and he was looking around. On one glance I noticed him hobbling to a patch of mud spattered snow with one wing hanging low. He plunged his beak into the snow a couple of times presumably to get some water. My heart sunk at the sight.

Most everyone has experienced a bird slamming into their picture window. It usually sits for a moment or two at most, shakes off and then takes off. I watched this gull hop, shake, hop, shake, then sit for a long period. It wasn't going anywhere with what I thought was a broken wing. My work garnered my attention and after an hour or so I noticed the gull had hopped next to a high clump of dried grass. To its right were two crows bopping and dipping at something on the ground nearby. I watched intently as the gull hunkered down into the grass, but the crows apparently did not see him. I thought it might have died, but after the crows flew off, the gull lifted his head from the grass clump to survey his surroundings.

In the past I might have let nature take its course. Sure I'd feel guilty, but I'd tell myself that humans can't save every injured animal. This time I heard myself say, if this was my year of saying yes, wouldn't I like to help this gull?

Yes.

My first thought was food. I needed to feed him. I did what any good seagull mother would do; I went through the kitchen trash and found some french fries thrown out that morning. With my little navy blue flats on my feet, I slopped through the half frozen mud and ice to toss the food near him. He hopped away a few steps and I went back to my warm office to watch and wait. Nothing. He either hadn't seen it or didn't want it.

Now, how much did I want to get involved?

Since I first saw the gull that morning, the memory of DP and I taking an injured bat to a bat rescue had been running through my mind. So...I called DP. After a few calls back and forth between DP, me and a local bird rescue, we had a plan.

DP arrived at my work within 30 minutes. We herded the gull away from the road, closer to the building then I tossed a blanket over him. DP gingerly picked him up and placed him in a cardboard box as we were instructed to do. We loaded the box in the back of our pick-up and got on the road to Freedom, Maine and Avian Haven. A half hour later the boxed gull was handed off to kind-hearted gentleman with a pony-tail and cowboy hat. At Avian Haven, Tilty (the name we gave him) will be given free medical care. I can call them in a couple of days to find out his progress.

That’s what I call yes.