Showing posts with label Menopause (MOPe). Show all posts
Showing posts with label Menopause (MOPe). Show all posts

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Suffering of Wants


Every once in a while (okay, usually every 28 days or so), I go through a continuous craving and wanting stage that I have to talk myself down from.

I get this bubble of discontent that bursts with a varied list of wants and just recently it went something like this:

I wish we had a bigger house, if we had a bigger house I could get another kitten. I want another kitten. I’m supposed to have nine cats for Cat of Nine Tales, but Snafu couldn’t tolerate another cat unless we had a bigger house. I wish we had a bigger house.

Once I’ve awakened from the suffering of wants, I counter this kind of thinking with this kind of thinking:

You can’t have a bigger house unless you have a lot more money. If you had a bigger house, you’d only need to spend more time cleaning it and you wouldn’t have more time, because you’d be working more hours to earn more money to pay for the bigger house.

AND YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK MORE HOURS.

If you worked more hours, you’d be miserable and you certainly wouldn’t have enough time to spend with a new kitten (never mind writing!).

Be grateful and enjoy the cats you have! Enjoy the small manageable house and work less hours so you can enjoy life and have time to write.

Most of the time I understand this choice, because it was a choice DP and I made to live simpler, smaller lives with no debt and as stress free a work life as we can manage.  But, the suffering of wants can get to me sometimes. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Blurred Rage

Yesterday I was human…without any Being in sight. An episode added to less than handful of times in my life where “I lost it.” I become inarticulate, screechy, without plan and barely a thought of what I’m doing. Some may indentify this behavior with blind rage, but that seems extreme and violent. This was more of a “blurred rage” which I identify as my sun sign Aries fire bursting through the water of my planets in Pieces. All very pretty sounding - but it wasn’t.

The conflict?

An ongoing battle with our next door neighbor’s dogs charging into our yard. They do this several times a day. You can tell when they are let out of their house you hear the barking begin in the distance, and get louder as they appear beyond our shed running like mad dogs directly into our driveway, barking at our house or under our windows if our German shepherd is not out on her line.

They’ll run up to our fence to terrorize our dogs inside it which sets off our poor guys to barking, and frightened cats scramble to their safe places. They come several times a day, every day. When we come home from work they tear out of their yard (or sometimes our other neighbor’s yard, for they terrorize them, too) and chase our vehicles…four dogs running after our wheels, running in front of us and following us into our driveway. We get out of the car, they are right there barking at us in our own driveway.

There are three mobiles on our road and we all have dogs, but this person is the only one who lets his run free at all times. Everyone else’s dogs are kept well contained behind fence, on leash or on zipline.

For most of the winter it was four dogs until his daughter took two of them with her. Since then it has mostly been two dogs, but sometimes she visits and brings the other two back with her.

Yes, we’ve spoken to our landlord (who we all lease our land from), and yes, we have conferred with our other neighbor who has also spoken to our landlord. But nothing’s been done.

Although we've not been able to capture their barking arrival, here are some video samples, so you can get a feel for what we experience daily,


So, yesterday when the daughter was visiting with her two dogs, it was after the four pack’s third excursion over here that my Aries took action.

In a natural alignment with Aries comes ego and vanity, which is how I explain why I grabbed my raincoat to cover my too tight sweatpants and shirt. I didn’t want to look fat, I guess. I also pulled on my LL Bean rubber mocks and grabbed a yard rake to defend my ankles from the bastards (and I’m glad I did).

After that, I had no idea what I was going to do or say beyond, “I’M SICK OF IT!”

And so, I charged across their lawn chasing four little dogs with a rake, walked right between their house and car with a nipper biting at my heels when the daughter came out of the house and onto their stoop.
I screamed a lot of variations of “I’m sick of your dogs coming into our yard and terrorizing us.” Mind you I have a horrible cold at the moment and my voice is quite the smoker’s grovel. That’s basically all I recall saying in response to whatever she said back to me. She, of course, called me a bitch and told me to get off her property. It sounded so funny to me at the time and even in retrospect, but I didn’t laugh. I felt like I was watching reality TV, but I didn’t feel like its star.

Eventually I woke up with a rake in my hand standing in their driveway and apologized for coming over in attack mode, but said that I felt like I was being attacked several times a day by their pack of dogs. Nothing she said to me made sense or made any difference. This wasn’t a conversation. There were accusations that our dog had done damage to their car, which was impossible because she is never, ever out of our sight.

I came home, cried for a while; looked at the calendar to see how close my period might be coming; got frustrated because the calendar never is accurate anymore; then sat down to write.

It’s been almost 24 hours and I haven’t seen any of their dogs since.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Full Cycle


Has it been 28 days already? Well, this is post number 27 so I guess I am only a little bit early this month.

I remember when my step-daughter was trying to get pregnant. Every month, when her period arrived, it was a dramatic tragedy. No baby, this time. I still can't help but think that phrase each month...no baby, this month.

Sorry, but my mind gets loaded with too many things and occasionally I find myself standing still, just thinking uselessly. Stopping and refocusing on the present moment is the only way to get out of it. Even as I write, broken thoughts take so much longer to make into anything readable so I guess I'll be very brief for today.

So, thanks for hanging in with me for a full cycle.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Cleaning



As you can imagine, living with 12 animals requires a lot of cleaning. This is my chemical arsenal. As organic as I’d like to be, I’m not convinced organic products work as well as these…and these aren’t even 100%, especially on a hot and humid day. They are the best I can do at this point. Ideally, DP and I would love to have wall to wall linoleum floors, but we have settled on carpets that are barf and poo brown.

I got a Spot Bot carpet cleaner for Christmas, but I’ve yet to open it because, well, there is so much more than a spot. I’m afraid all I’ll end up with is a carpet patched with clean spots. So why don’t I rent a carpet cleaner? Oy. That is a summer project because the furniture would have to go out onto the lawn. That means it would need to be a sunny stretch of days so there’s no mud which, here in Maine, is limited to about two months, and it would have to be over a weekend - a pay weekend since it’s not free to rent a machine; a weekend I’m not having my period or at mid-cycle because I have very little spare energy during those times, and…well, three years later I’m hoping this will be the summer.

I must tell you that during the writing of the above paragraphs I’ve had to stop three times to clean up cat vomit. OK, one of those treasures was “released” earlier but just discovered because Nick was trying to cover it up. The most recent vomit was given up by sweet Owen as he sat on top of the three story cat tower. Yeah, it was like hail. Good thing no one was under it (namely me).

So, I know you think I’m crazy (those of you who are not pet people, anyway) but this is what I’d rather be doing, writing and caring for our pets. It’s selling health insurance that is the real crazy thing.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

MOPe 2

“I’m feeling that stressed energy from you, this morning,” DP said to me as she put her coat on to take the dogs out for a woods walk. It brought me out of my stupor as I stood staring at the kitchen counter.

“I don’t think I’m going to continue with a blog post every day.” I announced the flood of thoughts swirling through my head. I’d just finished the dishes and had yet to put a lunch together for work and then make breakfast.

“Do you think you feel that way because it’s right before your period? Everything looks like an insurmountable task.”

I looked up at her with tears welled up in my eyes - they would not fall. She is so good at that. The gentle reminder. She is so totally right. That was it. My two pots, two plates and a handful of silverware seemed like a Thanksgiving dinner clean up. Packing up an entire lunch so I wouldn’t starve to death at work was an already made half sandwich from yesterday’s lunch that I had to remove from the refrigerator and place in my lunch bag. Breakfast? One egg or two, English Muffins or toast, or just cereal? Do we have bananas? Milk? Is it sour? Is there enough? If I don't eat soon, I'll surely faint.

These are the days when I carry the enormous weight of the world and can barely move or make a decision. The days when I feel like I’m walking through a tar pit are far too frequent as I wait for MenOPause. I can’t find the peace of a still mind because the thought to meditate is so deeply buried under the screaming collective pain-body of the entire female race accumulated from giving life, fighting oppression, violence, and rape since the beginning of humanity as we know it.

Yeah…that’s the reason I’m ready for the “change of life.”

Even within the tar pit I seem to find words. This is post #12, so far so good.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

MOPe

All my friends are having hot flashes, why can't I?

My mother went through MenOPause when she was 48. She said it was simple for her…one or two periods missed and then there were none. I've been anticipating my last period since I turned 40. Nine years later and I can still have a baby…woo-hoo.

Can you imagine my joy the first time I missed Aunt Flo? Yeah, that was some four years ago. It turns out it was likely due to stress, and every other time after that, too. To add to my grief, my Cousin Red is now staying longer - a full seven to eight days, where she used to only stay a simple 4 to 5 days.

And you could set the moon by my Womenly Flows, I was so regular and without the help of the pill which, of course I had no need of. These days I might as well throw my calendar up in the air.

While I expect the usual cramps, bloating and lower back ache each month, I hadn't expected them to get progressively worse through these last couple of years. But what can be nearly debilitating when the Red-Tide comes in is the hormonal change in my mood. Okay, that was a glossy way of saying I get depressed.

It's coming - or stopping - I know it, and so I'll just look on with envy when my friends start ripping off their sweaters and turning on their mini fans.